Recently I've been racing my bike a lot, working a lot and thinking a lot cause I'm not in school so I actually have time to think... One subject I had been considering the most was what makes a person happy, what defines happiness and what influences it most greatly. I started thinking about this in part because I have raced Cyclo-Cross (CX) all throughout the fall with good results which made me happy but made me think whether I'd still be happy if I didn't receive praise from my peers. This is something I've considered before in art as well; do I make my art for me or for others to see? I've always arrived back to the conclusion that peers are an important part of why I do what I do, it's important to me for people to recognize what I do, to recognize me to some extent I suppose. I don't mean any of this in a narcissistic manner, I feel it's normal for people to feel this way, maybe I'm wrong but it's rare to meet someone who doesn't appreciate praise. Anyways, I've noticed that happiness seems to be a fleeting emotion that can change as quickly as the wind does. Happiness also seems more superficial when it is reaped from achievements such as successful race results or people appreciating art. What I have seen that makes me think otherwise about these things in particular is that they often represent improvement within a person's life; It's quite gratifying to see physically how a person can improvement in terms of oxygen capacity, seeing your lactate threshold increase from one year to another, seeing how you've improved at painting or photography. These things are not as shallow a joy as temporary things like wins or gallery showings because they offer you improvement that you've worked for over a sustained amount of time.
I just recently got my first win in a CX race. The feeling was fantastic, what I have always wanted. The start was a mass sprint as it always is in CX and I was the first to hit the first turn, a term known as getting the "holeshot". I usually feel so completely destroyed after the first few turns after a strong start that I feel the need to back-off to avoid losing spots from going too hard. This race was different, I decided to push through this pain I felt, to push through while my lungs were struggling to increase the amount of oxygen that was entering my body, I wanted to see how much damage I could dish out to the guys behind me. This was the first race I had done where this thought even occurred to me, to attack the rest of the field, it's risky cause it's easy to blow-up. I'm usually the one who has to react to other people's attacks and to chase after them without losing positions. Racing is like a dance and you have to feel out the rhythm of the race, you have to read the riders who are around you. "Does he look like he's hurting?" If the answer is "no" then it's probably time to attack and pick-up the pace so he is hurting which means it's gonna hurt a lot for the person attacking as well. Racing is so mental; who will break first? After a lap I secured my position leading the race and now all I had to do was keep the heat on for the next few laps. As the race progressed my lead increased to the point where I could see the person in 2nd just now entering the turn I passed through 20-30 second prior. It was a feeling I hadn't experienced before but one that I wanted to keep. This was my day, my race to win, avoiding mistakes was my biggest priority. I ended up winning that race and placing in 2nd as the overall Cat. 4 racer of the 8 race series.